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We watched Disney’s Frozen this weekend. Not having kids ourselves, The Wife™ and I don’t typically go and see kids’ movies in the theatre (we’ll likely make an exception for the second How to Train Your Dragon movie, though), but there’s been a lot of hype about it, it was a quiet night and we didn’t want to watch anything too heavy, so why not?

Or at least that’s what The Wife™ thought; I had a deeper, more sinister plan in mind.

You see… watching Frozen makes you gay.

Yes, that’s right. I finally pulled the trigger on my nefarious hidden homosexual agenda, and I did it with a cartoon musical. Insert villainous laugh here.

Of course, I could have missed an opportunity there. I mean, the only people exposed to the hideous Gay Radiation beaming out from my MacBook’s retina display (the most gay-amplifying display of all) were me, my opposite-gender monogamous life partner, and the dog. I probably should have widened the scope on that one, maybe invited an entire scout troop or church luncheon or something. I mean, that was my one shot, right?

(Of course, being bisexual I’m only half-gay, so maybe I got the dirty sinful urges but not the world-conquering ambition.)

To test the success of my demonically-inspired dissemination of homosexuality, this morning I carefully interrogated The Wife™ about any developing deviant urges. I got a mumbled “fuggoff m’tryina sleep.” This was hopeful, but inconclusive: while she may no longer be attracted to my thunderous masculinity it was before coffee so the jury’s still out.

The dog, when woken, yawned, stretched and farted… which at first I hoped was indicative of the development of unnaturally masculine tendencies, but she’s been doing that pretty much every morning for the past two years, so maybe not. (Also, I was forced to retreat in order to breathe. I think she’s been into the cat’s food again: it was a real paint-peeler.)

And I, of course, harbour the secret hope that Chris Hemsworth will get involved in that new Cock in a Sock campaign, but then I’ve been wishing that for a couple of weeks, so who can really tell if Frozen has worked it’s devilish magic on me?

So the whole gay agenda thing might be a wash at our house. I don’t know. I might have work through the checklist so helpfully provided by the religious right just to be sure.

Sigh.

I knew a guy who had a lot more courage than I did as a teenager: He told his parents he was attracted to other men at the age of 17. They sent him to a “Conversion Therapy Retreat”, a six-week pray-away-the-gay summer camp where dozens of homosexually-inclined young men were assigned counselling, group discussions and lots of lectures on “God’s plan for them”, along with fresh air, wholesome outdoor activity and, he told me, an amazing amount of clandestine bed-hopping among the inmates after lights-out. (When I expressed my horror at his parents trucking him off to “gay camp” he was rather amused about it: apparently he’d never gotten laid more in his entire life, before or since.)

You can’t fix being gay, anymore than you can indoctrinate someone into being gay. There’s nothing to fix or to indoctrinate: you either are or you’re not. The choice is to accept that aspect of yourself, or deny it. I spent a long time desperately denying it when I was younger. I gave up on that in my early twenties, and I’ve been a lot happier since. Maybe if I’d internalized more of the bullshit and hate I had to deal with in high school — and believe me I internalized way more than was healthy for me — I’d have turned out to be as petty and bitter and hate-filled as the people who claim that there’s a homosexual conspiracy turning our kids gay. But thankfully I dodged that bullet.

We watched Frozen this weekend, and the only “subversive” message I could see was that you shouldn’t deny an aspect of yourself because other people taught you to be afraid and ashamed of it.

Huh.

On reflection, maybe the right-wingers have a point. Maybe there is a message being sent to children… about not being ashamed of an aspect of yourself that you have no control over, and in fact should not feel ashamed of anyway.

Wow. No wonder they hate this film. We can’t have a generation of young people growing up with that kind of message, can we?

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